After successfully avoiding being hospitalized for four years ( and that’s because I gave birth to my lovely daughter) I am now bound to the hospital again this Sunday. Unfortunately, the doctor at the orthopedic was right I really needed a knee surgery. I am quite scared you know. I don’t know what will happen but hopefully everything will be successful. It would be the first time that I would be away from my daughter and that is bothering me also. But I am just thinking that it is necessary because it will help me get back to normal. As my doctor said if I don’t get the operation it will get worse. No escaping. God will be at my side.
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And my battles began. It takes me back to year 2002 when my lupus is very active and I cannot even walk properly. But I hope just like the other attack though it lasted for two years I can bounce back. It may take a while but I am keeping my fingers crossed that God would still allow me to see my daughter grow old. I am scared at the moment but with faith I can pull through. I am trying my best to stay on the positive side and think that if in the past we were able to survived then we can survived this one. God will lead the way.
I am struggling. More on the psychological side because I feel so low. I am trying very hard not to throw away cell phone batteries out of frustration. I hate what I am feeling and I don’t know what to do. When I look at my badly bruised legs I lose hope. And when I cannot lift my leg I feel that my world crashes. The husband already want me to go to the ER. Because as of this moment I have colds and coughs. I know this is a bad sign. I am just thankful that tomorrow we will be going to the clinic and I am meeting my doctor already. Come what may. I hope god will not make me undergo a knee surgery.
Really I am afraid to go outside. This is the first time I am experiencing this kind of fear. Now, I am wondering, does this happen to victims of accident. Well, i think so. I did not expect this to happen to me. I hope I can get over this soon. Tomorrow I plan to go send the little one to school. She seems bored already at our house. I am praying that everything would go out smoothly and my arm won’t give me anymore problem. That the massage last night was able to correct the muscle problem. God, please be with me always. Thank you.